Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Asia Swarming With Communist VVasps

Daily Mail readers find this more scary than a Labour government.
In light of the alarming news that broke today of a pending invasion, I release immediately the following report based upon a story from late last year that may have been subject to a D for Denier Notice, but was more likely I couldn't be bothered. It's worse than we thought folks!


Baron von Sschting, the great leader of the insect insurgency, has a distant communist cousin [Bob is working furiously to translate his name as I write this]. He hates Britain, or rather she, hates everyone equally...with venom*. Unlike gardeners, children and even pharmaceutical companies who see Bees as welcome prosperous friends, a big Communist Chinese^ VVasp sees lunch Behold:


Whilst it may seem logical to twat such a fiend with the tried and tested use of a handy 'flip flop of doom', this only excites a vindictive streak in a stricken vvasp who just chemical signals[*] reinforcements for a revenge sschting frenzy. It is no coincidence that vvasps are notoriously nasty drunks, looking to pick a fight with anyone stupid enough to come into their general orb of perception. They elicit fear with reason, but it does not have to be so.

A far sounder approach to twatting is ultramegahold hair spray - implicated in the death of bystanding budgies - or failing that WD40. Both offer the satisfactory crackle during the cremation process, although stabbing the little fokkers with toothpicks as they twitch their last is not without its merits - only provided cremation immediately follows.

* puns are intended and provided free of charge.

[*] "To avoid repeated stings, don’t squish a wasp! When a wasp stings what it perceives to be a threat to the colony, or when it’s crushed, it releases a pheromone (a chemical signal) that the other wasps in the colony can detect. The wasps follow this chemical signal and sting the intruder. This signal causes colonies to swarm around an intruder and sting it repeatedly." Bug Source

^ in this example the Chinese have been portrayed by the Japanese - thank the heavens it was not a American portraying the role as then vvasps might end up as the good guys. Apart from all looking alike and speaking incomprehensible languages, no serious environmental documentaries can be made unless it involves high degrees of fakery

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