Monday, 25 June 2012

Dave's Benefits Shocker: Jobs for Cabbage Patch Dolls

The Tory Party Work Waggon came to take the local benefit scroungers home after their day in the fields.
With the economy in a slump, poor people never cease in their ability to entertain the privileged - as long as they are in cages, behind walls or being viewed from afar. My source Bob has exclusively revealed to me that Dave 'the Lizard' Cameron - who may or may not end up scrounging in bins for party funds if his cosy dinners are stopped - has decided to launch an offensive against anyone on disability benefit. This is part of his wider war on benefits which has Daily Mail readers ordering record quantities of tissues. With the War on France* still at the phoney stage it has been decided that we should at least be fighting something. Now whilst fighting poverty is seen in some nefarious quarters as a laudable leftie [translation: communist rat] thing to do when you are not chucking bombs at brown people, for those of a more right wing persuasion there is nothing better than smashing the poor in the face marching poor people to the Gulags where they can begin to earn their keep and eat cabbages. If it gets really cold then there's nothing wrong with burning poor people as a sustainable heating source.
Benefit scroungers before being shipped
Whilst these policy changes are being debated other options must be put forward. Indeed the way for any government to create a new policy is to first scare the shit out of the population and then propose the most drastic response imaginable such as nuking Jersey for tax evasion. After this, proposing to turn Jersey into a Gulag would seem quite reasonable. It is in this light that with Bob I have submitted a White Paper that has tremendous synergy with Dave's form of compassionate conservatism.
Child Labour must be stopped!
This child is taking a job that a small disabled person could do.
Quasi was wary Esme spiked his drink
The disabled want to be treated as an ordinary person, so unless they are rich they have to earn their keep and use their gnarled bodies to the good of the economy country. Quasimodo was the archetypical example of the right wing work ethic in practice. Instead of viewing deformity and difference as a free ticket to a life of victimhood on the benefits system why not put these people into work. Dave and Profit George have watched enough programs on the discovery channel to see the hard work ethic of poor deformed brown people(**). Despite their lot in life they don't complain. This is the ethic we must take forward.

If a machine is hard to maintain due to the small cramped conditions, they get someone ready made for that position. Perpetual dribblers (and babies) can be put to work in offices licking envelopes. Quasimodo himself could have been put to work as a bearer for prospective Party sponsors seeking Dinner with Dave so they don't have to dirty their shoes like the rest of us.
Dave's vision of the Big Society
Indeed a lack of limbs should not be seen as an impediment to a job but a bonus for your prospective employer who will have less limbs to worry about getting caught in the machinery and having to pay compensation stopping production. The pharmaceutical industry are always on the look out for more lab rats human sacrifice specimens volunteers and if Hollywood has taught me anything then those in the Artistic spectrum could be put to work in the heart of government and the secret services. The paranoid and depressed should be made corporals in citizen's armies that can hunt down benefit scroungers (BS) and anyone they suspect of being a sympathiser.


Prostitutes. Phone boxes. Clandestine Meals.

Dave's Dinner Shocker - Is No. 10 a Brothel?

Scrounging for his next party meal. 

For those with more far debilitating illnesses and hideous disabilities there are options such as utilising them as living furniture on public occasions. Anyone with a terminal diagnosis should be encouraged to go out with a bang as human fireworks as the caring and sharing Tory party could do with something more to cheer this summer.

We must be prepared for communist rats who will use this opportunity as a platform to raise disability awareness or even the link between poverty and disability, yet we must never forget that socialism in all it's forms would scare the Kraken, the very soul of our voodoo economy, witless and who knows what might happen if we share. Are we really willing to take such a risk with all our lives?


***END of PIM***

* the war on Germany, which should have followed the Italian campaign, has been forestalled despite a valiant rearguard action. Wayne Rooney cost us this battle as I predicted back in October. If I was inclined to conspiracy theories - which I'm sort of obliged to consider as I'm the 'worlds greatest comedy conspiracy theorist' [self declared] - I wouldn't rule out a connection to Manchester United involving a far eastern betting syndicate, several linesmen (shirt pulling is allowed in football not shirt lifting) and several Scottish football commentators. Sources in Manchester have not ruled out the sound of Scottish howls of laughter echoing down the corridors of Old Trafford last night, although if I'm honest I haven't asked anyone.
(**) these deformities may or may not be related to the bombs we either chuck at them or manufacture for someone else to throw at them. I think in the circumstances, they at least are entitled to some disability benefits from us. It's not like God is punishing them for being born, getting old or just being poor

DISCLAIMER: If you have taken offence to this posting, then firstly look in the mirror. Seriously, just look into your dead soulless eyes you humourless communist rat. Get a life by getting outraged by something else that is happening around you. I mean it's hardly like your spoilt for choice this year, as avid readers of this blog would know. 


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