Wednesday 23 May 2012

#ClassicsPorn: Useless Father Ulysses on Run from Jeremy Kyle

Odysseus later told the wife he was thinking of her
Will Jeremy Kyle make Odysseus take a lie detector test?
Well, well, well.
Through the howling wind and rain that whipped the sea in to light salty meringue they sailed; on between the scylla and charibdis to meet with the Kraken. The local economy has nosedived and the signs in the heavens are ominous...
Hole
Image: Chris Schur
Alas, with some their decisions will always be suspect. This could be why in real life and unlike with many RPG's once you lose your soul, there's no getting it back. It is in these gray areas of legislation where Knights of the Corporation exploit their exemption from tax loopholes sub-clauses given in their favour, known as the accidentally on purpose form of global economics.


Zombies always spread their contamination and always evolve into a flesh eating blob by the end of the chapter. This story is as old as that of heroes - the only one to get out alive kind. GONADS scientists have shown these ancient tales are elaborate cover stories for contract serial killers. The fact they keep getting caught in these situations should automatically alert the authorities, alas it never does. It is just accepted as truth, no matter the holes or body count. We simply move on into history. Take Odysseus's version of events;
"I was driven thence by foul winds for a space of nine days upon the sea, but on the tenth day we reached the land of the Lotus-eater, who live on a food that comes from a kind of flower. Here we landed to take in fresh water, and our crews got their mid-day meal on the shore near the ships. When they had eaten and drunk I sent two of my company to see what manner of men the people of the place might be, and they had a third man under them. They started at once, and went about among the Lotus-eaters, who did them no hurt, but gave them to eat of the lotus, which was so delicious that those who ate of it left off caring about home, and did not even want to go back and say what had happened to them, but were for staying and munching lotus with the Lotus-eater without thinking further of their return; nevertheless, though they wept bitterly I forced them back to the ships and made them fast under the benches. Then I told the rest to go on board at once, lest any of them should taste of the lotus and leave off wanting to get home, so they took their places and smote the grey sea with their oars.  The Odyssey Book IX
ASIF. Sources have informed me that Odysseus was allegedly trafficking a mind bending drug called 'lotus' hoping to peddle it to children back in Ithaca. After finding out the real reason behind his journey, Drug Lord Odysseus used every opportunity the gods presented him to bump off his ship mates and most of the cast. The only monster on his travels was Odysseus himself. He has overt communist leanings and eradicated several species on the endangered species list. Whilst to many the tale of this admitted philandering drug baron may sound like a case for Miss Marple, avid readers of this blog should know she is not only elderly - and therefore untrustworthy - but evil. In cases like these, the long arm of public law must be felt. Odysseus must not be allowed to take the easy option and appear in court. We demand that he is ordered to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show, so he can be berated for being a useless absent father. We demand take the lie detector test to see if ate his shipmates and just how many Mediterranean goddesses he really shagged?
Only Odysseus lived and we trust his account of things?

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