Budget Exclusive: Mandatory Suicide for Jobseekers

Workshy layabouts were offered positions in the fields

I was baffled by this mindboggling doublespeak offered up in a Guardian article about unpaid young people taking the jobs off their more expensive [and therefore useless to the economy] peers*

A spokeswoman for the Department for Work and Pensions strongly rejected that mandatory placements would be used as a sanction, but said they could be offered in circumstances where advisers felt they were appropriate

How can you offer something that is 'mandatory'?
Should we offer murderers and rapists mandatory sentences? Does this mean they have a choice and if so what are the other choices? If the choice is to be sacrificed to the volcano gods then I could be persuaded but this plan is light on substance and high in profit like most fast food - which modern politics is modelled on. 

I cannot help but feel disgusted with this policy as yet again it shows the complete lack of imagination on the governments part. That collectively they have the foresight and intellect of an amoeba is not surprising with Profit George holding the purse strings of the economy. It must be very difficult when you are contractually obliged to pass the gold to your mates whilst simultaneously struggling to suppress his the overwhelming urge to incinerate books. One day his façade will crack, although I hear he prefers [allegedly] coke (and hookers) to rocks. But I digress, surely instead of targeting the young we should be targeting pensioners. It is only logical, captain. 

I feel that a recent speech by repressed book burner Profit George should have been along these lines

"Our new youth old age contract addresses both problems with the offer of private sector work experience for every young old person unemployed for three months. After five months, there will be weekly signing on. After nine months, we will help pay for a job or an apprenticeship in a private business prison," he told the Commons. "Some 200,000 people will be helped in this way but, as the deputy prime minister has said, this is a contract. Young Old people who do not engage with this offer will be considered for mandatory work activity suicide, and those who drop out without good reason will lose their benefits life."

*I think that's the idea. I'm getting confused by this story which changes depending who is seeking to take advantage employ young people.